WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s national security received a significant boost this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had hired the goalie of the U.S. men’s Olympic hockey team to guard the southern border.
Trump made the announcement from the White House on Tuesday, telling the media that goaltender Connor Hellbuyck had been enlisted to stop all illegal aliens from crossing into the U.S. from Mexico.
“He’s unbeatable. Nothing gets past him,” Trump told reporters. “I watched him on Sunday against Canada, and he was unbelievable. Pucks flying everywhere. Those Canadians didn’t know what to do. He’s the best defender I’ve ever seen. I told Tom Homan, ‘We’ve got to get Connor. He’ll keep everything out, believe me.'”
Hellebuyck was eager to accept the job following the Olympic team’s spectacular run. “I’m all about America,” he told the media. “Keeping pucks from entering the goal and keeping human beings from entering the country are basically the same thing. Plus, they told me I’m still allowed to use my stick, so that helps.”
Sources close to the administration said Border Czar Tom Homan planned to deploy Hellbuyck to the southern border of Texas immediately. “He’ll be on the first plane to the border,” one insider said. “We’ve also agreed to supply him with a cooler of ice-cold beer at all times. That’s a requirement for hockey players, apparently.”
At publishing time, Hellebuyck had already begun practicing for his new job by successfully blocking all CNN journalists from entering the White House.
Protect yourself from the modern day gestapo!
