The Maryland home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton was raided by government agents today, leaving the public wondering what the FBI was looking for — and what they found.
Utilizing an intricate network of media and government sources, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of surprising things the FBI discovered at John Bolton’s home:
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Melania Trump’s underwear: At least agents hope those belonged to a woman.
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“Start 9 wars and your 10th one is free” punch card: Bolton reportedly only needs 2 more punches.
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Epstein’s client list: So that’s where it’s been this whole time.
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Fish. Lots of fish.: The man has a healthy appetite.
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Donald Trump voodoo doll: Sources said there was evidence of over 500 needle pokes.
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A notebook with “John Bolton + Vladimir Putin” written and a heart drawn around it: Somebody’s got a crush.
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The largest Pokémon card collection in North America: One source said Bolton wanted to overthrow the Ayatollah to get his Charizard.
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A bag of Hunter Biden’s cocaine: Bolton never had a drug problem, but Hunter just had his stuff stashed all over town.
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Sexy pin-up of Napoleon: There’s just something attractive about a men who conquer entire continents.
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Stage glue and hundreds of cases of fake mustaches: Who knew?
Possibly the most incriminating list you’ll ever read. What else have you heard the FBI found? Post your own list in the comments.
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