Brought to you by: Trump Trendz
Following what the FBI confirmed was a second assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, the Secret Service has reportedly been hard at work collaborating with the private security team at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home to increase security.
Through interfacing with a vast network of inside sources, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of new security measures the Trump campaign will be implementing immediately:
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Security will now be required to yell “Any assassins out here?” before bringing Trump outside: Also, all would-be assassins will be required to say “Yeah, I’m here.”
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Post “Gun-Free Zone” signs around Mar-a-Lago: Everyone knows a good “Gun-Free Zone” sign is the most surefire way to eliminate all threats.
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Obtain a restraining order against the FBI: This will remove the number-one threat to Trump’s safety.
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All Secret Service agents will be replaced by Kyle Rittenhouse: He’s all you need.
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Build a wall around Mar-a-Lago and make Mexico pay for it: Even Democrats agree that walls around private homes are effective.
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Laura Loomer will now be chained in the yard outside the front door of Trump’s house: No one will want to go anywhere near that crazy loon.
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Have 10-foot-tall Barron Trump search for snipers from his high vantage point: From up there, he can see things that normal human beings would never be able to spot.
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Triple the size of Trump’s current Secret Service detail to six people: The previously allotted security team of two ladies just isn’t cutting it.
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Strongly secure all doors by wedging chairs under the doorknobs like they do in the movies: If it’s good enough to work in every drama from the 70s and 80s, it’s good enough to work today.
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Give Trump’s Secret Service agents real guns from now on: In hindsight, the airsoft and bubble guns may be putting Trump’s life in danger.
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Politely ask the Harris-Walz campaign to stop referring to Trump as Hitler and calling him an existential threat to democracy: Nobody thinks this will actually happen, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.
Once these countermeasures are in place, the American people can rest assured that attempts on Trump’s life will be knocked all the way down to one or two per week, tops.
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