VATICAN CITY — After a morning of reading headlines from The Babylon Bee, the 266th pope of the Catholic Church sentenced all the paper’s writers to seven trillion years in purgatory.
“Iam nimis faggotatis apud Babylon Bee est,” said Pope Francis during routine purgatory sentencing.
According to experts, seven trillion years in purgatory would make Bee writers the absolute last ones to get into Heaven, even after Muhammad.
“That seems like a lot,” said Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann. “Is that a lot?”
Managing Editor Joel Berry broke the news to his family following the chilling pronouncement. “But you still go to Heaven eventually,” his wife noted. “Why are you crying?”
Senior writer Nesmond Pyke was let go for writing all the anti-catholic headlines and getting the company into this mess.
Bee writers were reportedly beside themselves once they heard the supreme pontiff had been offended. In response, many writers sent messages to him over X, formerly Twitter, explaining that it was “just a joke.” However, Peter’s successor has been uncharacteristically unmerciful, arguing that while all roads lead to God, The Babylon Bee has simply gone too far this time.
At publishing time, the Pope had granted the writers some time off purgatory if they got vaccinated and purchased carbon credits.
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW:
Click here to find out how you can watch the movie when it releases on October 11
