Life as an apartment tenant can sometimes be full of various uncertainties and questions. “Will they raise my rent next year?” “Why is someone always taking my parking space?” “Are my neighbors actually a heavily armed Venezuelan street gang?”
The Babylon Bee has attempted to help clear up some of this confusion with the following list of signs that you’re living next door to a dangerous Venezuelan paramilitary group:
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They fire an AK-47 into the air instead of using the doorbell: At all hours of the night, too. So annoying.
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They came over to ask for sugar and also where everyone dumps dead bodies: What are the odds that a normal apartment neighbor has to bury so many corpses?
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They keep asking if you want to join a Venezuelan street gang: And they don’t make the questions seem hypothetical.
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They paid for their $10,000 Girl Scout cookie order in keys of cocaine: It’s a huge order, but it might be tough for little Kimmy to unload that amount of blow.
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People now refer to your neighborhood as “Little Caracas”: And there aren’t even any nice little Venezuelan restaurants around.
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They have a .50-cal machine gun mounted on top of their minivan: That’s not one of the upgrade options on the new Honda Odyssey, is it?
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Your landlord’s head is now on a spike in the courtyard: Ralph may have been a little rough around the edges, but he didn’t deserve this.
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They are not obese: If they aren’t fat, they obviously aren’t Americans.
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They speak a lot more Spanish than your last heavily armed street gang neighbors: That, along with all of the Venezuelan flags, may be a big clue.
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They always say to their friends “Remember when we used to do this in Venezuela?” while stabbing you: Now you know for sure. What a bummer!
If you’ve noticed any of the signs above, there’s a pretty good chance your neighbors are a Venezuelan street gang. Either that, or you just live in Chicago.
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