WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has reportedly canceled $1 billion of foreign aid for war-torn Syria after learning some of the funds might go to some needy Americans who lived there.
“We can’t let that happen,” Biden reportedly told his Chiefs of Staff. “Cancel those funds immediately. American money is not for Americans.”
Syria, which is in the midst of a humanitarian crisis after the fall of Assad’s regime and its takeover by terrorist groups, was initially promised foreign aid by Biden only to have the funds revoked once it became apparent some Americans lived there.
“America first,” Biden told a bowl of Jello. “Americans must suffer first as an example to the world. Not me, though. I’m too important.”
The Americans in Syria are reportedly stranded following the closure of the American embassy, leaving them to fend for themselves as enemies surround them. Which is, according to sources, just the way Biden likes it.
“Corn pop was a bad dude,” Biden said of the incident. “But was he a bad enough dude to fight his way out of Syria? Let’s find out!”
Members of the mainstream media are reportedly divided on how best to praise the Biden administration’s efforts in the region. On the one hand, they’re impressed by his resolve in not helping Americans, but on the other hand, they’re disappointed to see Al Qaeda will miss out on needed funding.
Republicans have pounced on Biden’s strategy. Though they were initially against foreign aid to the region, citing concerns it was impossible to be sure who was getting the help, House Speaker Mike Johnson said, “Cutting the funding just because there are Americans there is just weird.”
At publishing time, Biden once again approved financial aid for Syria after learning that the Americans there had died.
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