WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer disagreed with the president’s assessment of D.C., saying he’s never once felt in danger walking the ten minutes it takes to get to his car, and neither have any of his ten bodyguards.
“D.C. is one of the safest places in these beautiful United States, and I should know because when I walk to my car, I never feel threatened. And neither does my highly trained security detail, for that matter,” Schumer told the press from a rolled-down car window. “This is just another example of Trump’s divisive rhetoric.”
When pressed, Schumer admitted his experience is purely anecdotal, but he expressed doubt that it was much different than what crime statistics showed. “I’ve never looked at the stats, but I remain convinced that my experience is exactly the same as everyone else’s. Right, Tito?”
Tito, Schumer’s head of security, responded in the affirmative. “Whatever you say, boss.”
The stats appear to back up Schumer’s claim. Schumer’s driver has only been carjacked twice this year. A far cry below the 958 carjackings reported in 2023. And Schumer himself has never been harmed.
“We work very hard,” said Tito.
At publishing time, Trump triple-dog dared Schumer to walk across the city without his security to prove once and for all how safe the nation’s capital is, but Schumer became suddenly ill and declined.
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