WASHINGTON, D.C. — With tensions rising both domestically and around the world, members of the United States Congress gave the American people a solemn pledge to work tirelessly to expose all sex criminals who aren’t in Congress.
To accommodate public demand for more results in the investigation into deceased billionaire Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged sex trafficking operations, Washington lawmakers vowed to never rest until every perpetrator of sex crimes was brought to justice, as long as they weren’t serving as members of Congress.
“It’s our job to hold everyone accountable except for us,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “The American people want answers. And they are entitled to answers. It is the role of Congress to investigate and provide those answers, unless we find out that the answers involve people here in the House and Senate, in which case we will just sweep it all under the rug and protect members of Congress from any reprisals whatsoever.”
Legislators promised to do whatever it might take to identify all sex criminals in the United States and prosecute them as long as they aren’t a part of Congress. “We’re taking a hardline stance here,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. “Anyone who preys upon innocent victims in illegal sexual acts will be hunted down and charged for their crimes. As long as they aren’t in Congress. If they’re in Congress, then we’re too busy with other important matters to dig into things done in the past.”
At publishing time, Congress had also issued a joint statement to crack down even harder on crimes involving insider trading for anyone who hasn’t been elected to Congress.
Governor Gavin Newsom understands the struggle!
