NEW YORK CITY — Jury deliberations in the trial of Daniel Penny were delayed this afternoon after three of the nine jurors were severely beaten on the subway while trying to reach the courthouse.
The beatings were filmed on cell phones by several bystanders, who watched disinterestedly as the jurors were manhandled by homeless schizophrenics.
“We regret to announce that deliberations will extend into a third day due to rampant violence in the New York subway system,” announced a courthouse spokesman. “The court is totally shocked by these brazen assaults, and unequivocally condemns the bystanders for not assisting these jurors as they were being beaten mercilessly. It is absolutely disgusting to see on video several strong, capable men sitting idle while these jurors, all of whom were female, were viciously assaulted.”
All three of the jurors, whose identities remain anonymous, were hospitalized for their injuries. “Witnesses report the victims all cried out for help, but for unclear reasons, no one stepped in,” said NYPD officer Max Darnold. “It is a sad mystery how our society has come to a place where no one will step up to save a woman in distress.”
At publishing time, deliberations had been delayed again after the prosecuting attorneys were also beaten senseless on the subway.
Check out the new, improved, more inclusive D&D.
