WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the fate of the Middle East hanging in the balance and concerns rising that war with Iran could be imminent, a desperate John Bolton was seen throwing a stink bomb into President Donald Trump’s inaugural “Board of Peace” meeting.
The former National Security Advisor and current walrus was said to be outraged over the thought of peace breaking out around the world, leaving him with no choice but to take matters into his own hands and preserve the threat of global war by chucking a homemade stink bomb into the important summit.
“No peace on my watch, you pansies!” Bolton was heard shouting as he ran past security and lobbed the stink bomb into the conference room. “I’ve worked too hard for too many years to lay the groundwork for endless wars and unrest on every continent, and I’m not going to let you fools ruin it! Get a whiff of this!”
Analysis of the stink bomb later determined that it was a special blend of distilled walrus excrement and rotted food particles from his mustache.
President Trump was not surprised by the incident. “He’s insane. ‘Insane John,’ we used to call him,” the president told the media after the conference. “He’s a loser. He doesn’t want peace, so he threw a stink bomb to try to stop our beautiful meeting. It smelled like rotten eggs. But it always smelled like that when Bolton was around. I think he has intestinal problems. Many walruses do, from what I’ve heard. It’s sad.”
At publishing time, Senator Lindsey Graham had reportedly also been detained by security for attempting to perform a flamboyant interpretive dance to protest the spread of world peace.
Protect yourself from the modern day gestapo!
