BRISTOL, CT — ESPN hosts reminded the nation Friday that watching women’s basketball games is a mandatory activity strictly enforced by the governing authorities.
“Don’t forget to watch the next WNBA game,” said Elle Duncan, host of WNBA Countdown. “Failing to do so will result in imprisonment or death.”
According to Nielsen ratings, WNBA viewership climbed significantly in 2025, thanks in part to Caitlin Clark and ongoing controversies surrounding her, but it’s still well below its big NBA brother, and unless they can right the ship, the league could face a dire financial situation.
“If you don’t do your part and watch women’s basketball you are basically telling all women everywhere to make you a sandwich,” said former WNBA star and current ESPN analyst Chiney Ogwumike. “A world without the WNBA is just The Handmaid’s Tale.”
All ESPN programs, not merely those related to basketball, were set to take time out of their programming to remind viewers to support the WNBA. ESPN CEO and Chairman James Pitaro said, “We will be broadcasting a WNBA PSA at the top of every hour 24/7 until the WNBA gains relevancy. You will watch women’s basketball and you will like it. I will also be changing my gender to female in solidarity with WNBA players.”
At publishing time, ESPN ratings had slumped to an all-time low, forcing the network to call for the nation’s population to face disciplinary action.
Woke Jesus is back with a new collection of socialist teachings for your edification.
