CHICAGO, IL — Yet another batch of heathy vegan food was painstakingly synthesized using 957 chemicals earlier today at the Organisynth Corp. laboratory.
According to scientists at the lab, Organisynth exists to help produce affordable, healthy, vegan food.
“You’ve got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products,” said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. “We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption.”
According to Gayleton Sparks, who founded Organisynth in 2018, the vegan food market has suffered from a lack of healthy, good vegan food for years.
“We’re just hoping to make a delicious, nutritious product to encourage veganism worldwide,” Sparks said. “We hold our products to the highest health standards and list every one of our 957 ingredients on our paper wrappers so that consumers know exactly what they’re getting. Mmmm…is that the sensuously warm smell of a vegan bone-substitute broth I smell?”
At publishing time, Organisynth had further simplified its recipes so that consumers only had to deal with 832 multisyllabic chemicals.
Meet Devyn. The 16-year-old Chick-fil-A worker who has replaced the entire government.
