WASHINGTON, D.C. — With lawmakers calling for Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to resign over leaked Yemen attack plans, Hegseth expressed deep regret for not instead getting soldiers killed in a chaotic withdrawal and handing $80 billion of weaponry to terrorists.
With Democrats demanding answers over how a journalist got added to a group text where top-secret information was shared, Hegseth wished he had provided the Taliban with Blackhawk helicopters so he could avoid uncomfortable questions.
“I apologize for not exposing our soldiers to terrorist attacks and giving billions in high-grade weaponry to Islamists hellbent on killing us,” said Hegseth. “My job wouldn’t be in jeopardy today if I had simply handed control of an entire country over to the people who perpetrated September 11th. I promise to rectify these terrible shortcomings to the satisfaction of the Democratic Party.”
Though Hegseth vowed to discover who was responsible for intel being leaked to a journalist, he remained remorseful for not having planes take off while Afghanis tried to hang on to the wheel wells. “As I watch these videos again of bodies falling from the sky, I’m reminded that this was acceptable performance,” said Hegseth. “I’ve clearly fallen short.”
At publishing time, Hegseth had attempted to stave off Democrats’ calls for his resignation by building a $350 million dock to give Hamas weapons, getting a soldier killed doing it, and then sinking the dock.
The Founding Fathers didn’t always agree behind closed doors.
