SALT LAKE CITY, UT — The algorithm that dictates ads on Instagram sprang into action as Rachel Myers settled into bed, the app sensing she was tired and ready to buy literally anything it put in front of her.
Instagram has worked for years attempting to discover precisely when a wife is at both her most exhausted and most comfortable, and then to strike.
“Oh, those pants are cute and they’re on sale and if I give them my email address they’ll take ten percent off my order,” Myers said, her eyes barely open. “Wow, look at those gardening gloves, I definitely need those. And this lady has an ergonomic mouse. Ooo, how about this matching apron and bonnet combo? Bonnets are making a comeback. Added.”
Though ostensibly checking Instagram to see what a couple friends had posted, only minutes later Meyers had loaded seventy-three new items to her online cart.
“The algorithm is truly amazing. If it times it right, wives will buy literally anything,” said Instagram software engineer David Khan. “They’ll buy dog food even though they don’t own a dog. The defenses to the bank account are zilch during that little window before she falls asleep.”
At publishing time, Myers’ husband had quietly pulled his wife’s phone out of her hand as she fell asleep, quickly canceling her order for a jumbo ant farm.
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