WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest step in his quest to make America healthy again, incoming Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that the “five-second rule” will now be reduced to the “three-second rule.”
Insiders said the initiative was intended to halt the spread of diseases in addition to strengthening Americans’ immune systems by only letting them eat food off the floor if it’s been there for three seconds rather than the traditionally acceptable five seconds.
“From now on, the time window within which you can eat food off the floor will only be three seconds,” Kennedy said. “If you pick it up before then, you can still eat it. After the three-second time limit has passed, the food must go in the trash. Anyone caught eating food that has been on the floor longer than three seconds will be subject to federal prosecution to the fullest extent of the law.”
The adjustment was expected to disproportionately affect the nation’s toddlers and their fathers. “This is an example of egregious government overreach,” said local dad Eric Lloyd. “My son dropped an entire hotdog on the kitchen floor yesterday and I had to full-on sprint from the living room to get to it in time to be allowed to eat it. On the bright side, I’ll probably get healthier from the cardio.”
At publishing time, Kennedy had announced another new regulation forcing everyone to do 10 push-ups after every Flamin’ Hot Cheeto they eat.
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