CHICAGO, IL — Local man Keith Stafford was reportedly left lonely and forlorn yesterday after he stopped receiving text messages from political campaigns.
According to Stafford, the constant appeals for his vote from politicians have been the biggest part of his social life for the past three or four months.
“I dunno… my life is just feeling kinda empty now,” Stafford said, aimlessly toying with his favorite Dungeons and Dragons figurine. “It all used to be so great. I’d wake up in the morning and all the political campaigns always have texted me ‘Good morning’ with a little heart emoji…but now they’re gone. We used to have such good times — they’d throw out a flirty little ‘Who’re you voting for?’ and I’d respond with a cutesy ‘you know who ;)’. I just don’t know what to do now that it’s all over.”
Stafford has allegedly been filling his time by reading cat memes from the early 2000s and building Lego to keep from thinking about his fond memories of receiving campaign texts.
At publishing time, Stafford had been elated when his phone rang again but was quickly disappointed as it was just Tim Walz.
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