ORLANDO, FL — In a tragic turn of events last Friday, local man James Dodgson was smothered to death by a horde of enamored women after he successfully backed his Toyota FJ Cruiser into a parking spot on his first try without even using a backup camera.
Onlookers said that Dodgson completed the move in one fell sweep of smoothness and rizz, causing nearly every single woman in a half-mile radius of the event to instantly become infatuated and rush the car.
“It was like a swarm of locusts,” said Brian Shelley, a pedestrian who had been run over by several women trying to get at Dodgson. “He pulled into the spot — it was clean, too, man…I’ve never seen anyone do it better for real — and then they started charging the parking spot, waving makeup kits and “Will You Marry Me?” posters. He tried to get them to at least line up and start introducing themselves, but they got to him in the end. He parked like a good man. He’ll be missed.”
Early reports state that Dodgson’s death has sparked a nation-wide week of grieving from America’s bachelorettes, as well as several highly lucrative mergers of dating apps and driving schools.
At publishing time, another man Bryan Kellior had also tragically died from an onslaught of women after he jumped up and touched a really tall overhang while he was walking through a department store.
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