CHICAGO — A 34-year-old male identified as Damien Trevor, an out-of-state attendee at the Democratic National Convention, had his hopes dashed Wednesday when he thought he was waiting in line for a delicious burrito from a food truck but accidentally got a vasectomy instead.
“I thought it was weird when they asked me to get on the truck and take off my pants, but I thought, ‘eh, this must be a great burrito,'” he recounted.
According to sources, it was not worth it.
“I just wanted a burrito!! No!!!” Damien Trevor reportedly cried after being snipped. “Why does this keep happening to me? This is worse than that time I accidentally got an abortion! Who puts a mobile vasectomy center next to a food truck anyway?”
Witnesses were reportedly empathetic to the plight of Damien Trevor but questioned his intelligence since there was no food signage on the truck. “There was even a sign that said, ‘Free Vasectomies Here!’ in large letters,” said local bystander Joseph Wails as he was getting snipped for free.
“I just thought a vasectomy was some sort of hot sauce,” Trevor admitted. “I mean, sure, I thought it was weird when they had me sign a waiver, but I just thought it was gonna be really really hot.”
At publishing time, Damien Trevor was at least thankful he wouldn’t be contributing to global warming by having any children.
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