MILANO — As the 2026 Milano Cortina Olympics came to a close, athletes from various nations participated in the traditional send-offs for their respective sports, with the Olympic curlers being lowered into the carbon-freezing chamber until the next winter games.
Having reveled in the attention and glory they receive only every four years, the members of the curling teams of each country solemnly waved a fond farewell before gathering on the chamber’s elevator platform to begin their slow descent to be placed in suspended animation until 2030.
“All too easy,” said the president of the International Olympic Committee. “This facility is crude, but it should be adequate to freeze the curlers for their journey to France.”
The athletes were allowed brief moments to hug their loved ones, kiss their spouses, and say their goodbyes before being frozen in carbonite. “I love you,” a princess was overheard telling U.S. men’s curling lead Aidan Oldenburg.
“I know,” he replied.
The athletes were then slowly lowered into the chamber, where a loud “woosh” was accompanied by flashes of light and clouds of smoke. The platform then rose, bearing the curlers, who were now encased in carbonite. “They’re alive,” one technician confirmed. “And in perfect hibernation.”
“Good,” said the IOC president. “Reset the chamber for the figure skaters.”
At publishing time, sources on site had confirmed that the curling athletes had been safely loaded onto a transport to be flown to the French Alps for safekeeping until the 2030 Olympic Winter Games.
Protect yourself from the modern day gestapo!
