WORLD — On this very day nearly 17 centuries ago, St. Nicholas made history by punching the heretic Arius for claiming that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
While church historians through the ages once believed that St. Nicholas’ swift uppercut was in response to Arius’ views on Christology, later scholarship confirmed that it was actually because Arius persisted in heretical attacks on Die Hard.
“Even saints have their limits,” said Benjamin Hundre, an archaeologist and early Christianity scholar at Cambridge. “Arius just kept up his stupid little bit about how Die Hard was released in July, and how just because it was set at Christmas doesn’t make it actually a Christmas movie, and how it’s really more of an Advent story anyway… and ol’ Saint Nicholas up and walloped him on the schnozz. A well-deserved bashing, I must say.”
St. Nicholas’ action has since been celebrated by the Christian Church with a feast day, special commemorative prayer services, and by punching other Aryan heretics who don’t believe that Die Hard is a real Christmas movie.
At publishing time, the Church had announced that it was also permissible to punch people for saying that Christmas Vacation doesn’t hold up.
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