WASHINGTON, D.C. — FBI Director Christopher Wray testified before Congress Wednesday, confirming what many have known for months: the crime rate is not down, it’s up.
In his opening remarks, Director Wray said, “Oops, we meant to say up. Crime is up. It is not, as previously stated, down. It’s possible we have been holding the chart upside down for the past several months. Our bad.”
The director’s remarks lasted almost five minutes. Congressional Democrats appeared flustered, even ill, as Wray spoke while many Republicans rolled their eyes in annoyance.
“In conclusion: up,” Director Wray said, concluding his remarks. “Crime is, in fact, up. Honest mistake, fellas.”
According to sources, Representative Alexandria Occasio-Cortez, who appeared livid throughout the hearing, seemed to soften upon hearing Wray’s humble admission. “It could happen to anyone,” Ocasio-Cortez said, remembering the many times she herself had looked at charts and graphs upside down. “I move we dismiss the director and conclude this hearing.”
Representative Thomas Massie was seen burying his head in his hands. Witnesses claim to have heard him muttering, “I’m surrounded by idiots.”
At publishing time, Congress ruled the FBI should continue to operate without any oversight despite their inability to perform even the simplest tasks.
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