LONDON — Authorities announced the arrest of a walking and talking bear with an affinity for marmalade who, they say, asked a Muslim immigrant to be more kind and polite.
“We are not going to tolerate that sort of hate speech and intolerance here in our country,” said Inspector Reginald Flitt. “That bear should know better.”
According to police, the young bear — found to be named Paddington — was roughly pushed aside by a Muslim immigrant who then proceeded to stab several women. Paddington reportedly gave the Muslim a hard stare and asked him to be more polite and to “please stop killing everyone,” much to the shock and dismay of onlookers.
“I can’t believe he would just talk to a Muslim like that,” said Eleanor Heevley, a local manicurist native to Islington. “You can’t just tell someone to deny their culture. That’s dreadfully racist.”
The frightened Muslim immigrant was identified as Muhammad Muhammad Akmed Muhammed. Through the help of a translator, he said it may take several more years of stabbing random people to get over the hateful incident.
In his defense, Paddington only said, “Bears like me are not too keen on stabbings, I’m afraid.”
Paddington was currently being held at Charing Cross Police Station without bail because he is considered a high flight risk due to his immigration status from Darkest Peru.
“We don’t even know where Darkest Peru is,” said Magistrate Michael Bond. “It might just be Peru. We’re still looking into it. But until then, we can’t trust him on the outside.”
At publishing time, Paddington had been transferred to isolation after causing a stir by offering marmalade sandwiches to fellow prisoners.
Check out the new, improved, more inclusive D&D.
