WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly minted Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth celebrated his confirmation by performing an absolutely sick keg stand.
After a contentious confirmation process replete with accusations of drinking on the job, Hegseth unwound from the stressful process by doing an incredible handstand atop a keg of Coors Original while guzzling beer from the tap.
“Woo! Secretary of Defense, baby!!” shouted Hegseth as he went airborne. “Grab a leg, Justice Kavanaugh. Let’s gooooo!”
Chants of “Pete, Pete, Pete!” echoed across the lawn as Hegseth gulped down pint after pint of the Banquet beer, the troubles of the last several weeks quickly melting away. Sources at the kegger report that Hegseth followed up his legendary keg stand by crushing three more Coors out of a bong, then teaming up with J.D. Vance to dominate some locals at beer pong.
At publishing time, Hegseth had begun taking one shot of Jack for each person that had accused him of drinking too much.
Trump is cleaning house, and with Kash Patel as the presumptive head of the FBI, that department is no exception.
