MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former President Trump was reportedly furious at today’s would-be assassin for rudely opening fire right in the middle of his backswing.
“Assassins these days, they have no manners, it’s terrible,” said a clearly irritated Trump. “They have no respect for the game.”
According to sources, Trump had just started his backswing when the potential assassin’s AK-47 began firing, completely throwing off the swing’s rhythm. “Reassure the people that I still hit an excellent ball, pin high,” said Trump. “In times like these, America needs to know that I hit a beautiful draw, really a gorgeous draw, to about twelve feet out for birdie — with the ball sitting below the hole, just like I planned. I could take a mulligan, totally legal when people try to kill you, but I’m not going to.”
At publishing time, the Trump campaign had issued a statement assuring Americans that he had sank the birdie putt despite three more assassins lobbing grenades at him while he putted.
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