WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Department of Health and Human Services reported that incoming Secretary Rober F. Kennedy, Jr. was preparing to unveil new school lunches that would replace the standard format of vegetables and milk with a 24-ounce ribeye steak and a White Claw.
According to reports from staffers close to Kennedy, the new lunches were an attempt to set the diets of millions of schoolchildren across the United States right.
“No more of this highly processed carbs and carrot sticks nonsense,” RFK, Jr. said in a press conference as aides displayed prototypes of the new lunches to reporters. “We’re cutting out all of the seed oils, all of the high-fructose corn syrup. No more chemicals, no more dyes, no more preservatives: just good old meat and booze, like the good Lord intended healthy Americans to eat.”
Kennedy also noted that the schoolchildren would be allowed a variety of options for how done their ribeye would be, including rare, medium rare, very pink, and only slightly warm in the center. Due to budgeting concerns, however, all lunches will only include the Black Cherry flavor of White Claw.
“We’re blowing most of the department’s budget on the steaks,” one source admitted. “So we can’t get too picky about the variety of beverages.”
At publishing time, Kennedy had been summoned to a high-level conference in which President-Elect Donald Trump asked if there was any way the kids could get the option of a Big Mac as well.
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