JUDEA — Saint John the Apostle has reportedly signed a lucrative six figure deal with Nike following his win against Saint Peter in a footrace to the tomb of Jesus.
Saint Peter has continually maintained that it was not a race, and that they were just excited to learn if Jesus had indeed risen. However, that hasn’t put a stopper on Saint John’s growing fame as a sprinter. Nike decided to strike while the iron is hot.
“We’re proud to have signed John to an official endorsement deal,” said Nike CEO Tiberius Calceus. “We’re also excited to announce a collaboration with the apostle on the brand-new Nike Beloved J, the shoe for beloved winners. Run like John with a pair of Beloved J’s today.”
John’s deal with Nike is reportedly the largest of its kind at approximately 2 million denarii. The brand-new “sneaker” is already set to beat earlier sales records set by the Adidas JB Thongs, a sandal inspired by John the Baptist. According to Nike, the Beloved J “offers a comfortable fit designed by the apostle himself. It features an innovative rubber outsole for multi-surface traction to navigate tough terrain faster than ever.”
At publishing time, Saint John had also signed on as a “Wheaties Champion” to appear on cereal boxes.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
