WASHINGTON, D.C. — The government’s judicial branch continued to methodically work through remaining cases before the upcoming holiday break, with the United States Supreme Court ruling 8-1 in favor of taking turns bonking Justice Sonia Sotomayor on the head with their gavels.
As the court heard arguments on a number of high-profile cases involving gun rights, immigration, and gender surgery for minors, the justices took an impromptu vote to determine if they should line up to take turns whacking Justice Sotomayor over the head.
“It is the court’s opinion that Justice Sotomayor be made subject to repeated bonking,” Justice Clarence Thomas stated in the majority opinion. “After hearing multiple days of arguments, we agreed that everyone would benefit from having the opportunity to take their gavel upside Sonia’s head. This would do a great service for not only the morale of the court but the benefit of the country as a whole.”
Even the court’s more liberal justices agreed that Sotomayor was deserving of a good gaveling. “It’s good to teach someone a lesson every now and then,” said Justice Elena Kagan. “I adore Sonia, but if you sat through an entire day of arguments while having to listen to her asinine questions, you’d vote in favor of smacking her over the head with a hammer, too. We’re all secretly hoping it will knock some sense into her.”
At publishing time, it was revealed that the one dissenting vote was surprisingly cast by Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, as Justice Sotomayor once again did not understand the basic elements of the case.
Check out the new, improved, more inclusive D&D.
