With the news that Kamala Harris’s campaign somehow ended up $20 million in debt after raising over $1 billion in donations, critics have started to wonder: how on earth did her campaign spend that billion dollars? Our crack investigative team at the Bee has gone to work and can now share a line-by-line breakdown of where all that money went:
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$70 million for accent coaches: In retrospect, probably shouldn’t have used Foghorn Leghorn.
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$500,000 for Lizzo’s catering: That’s a lot of hoagies.
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$70 million for surgery to re-attach Tim Walz’s arms every time they flew off: Not bad, honestly.
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$10 million for NFL coaches to try to teach Walz how to talk about football: Must have been the Jets’ coach.
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$900,000 for Harry Sisson’s puberty blockers: Harry goes off those, even that dude might wind up Republican.
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$0 for valor for Tim Walz: Stolen!
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$200 million trying to build that shrinking gun from Honey, I Shrunk The Kids so Kamala seems taller: Looking back, platform shoes may have been a wiser investment.
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$37.50 for speechwriter: Yeah, this checks out.
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$19 million for filming that gross commercial where an old Republican man tells some kid he can’t watch porn: We don’t want to talk about it.
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$ 5 million for Gen Z graphic designers to write “Kamala HQ” in Arial font on a green background: For Gen Z, this was a steal.
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$5 million for Doritos: Those gas station chips are pricey.
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$500 for coloring books to keep Joe Biden busy: Honestly, really should have set aside more for this.
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$600 million on wine: That’s on boxed wine, people. Boxed!
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$30 million for the rights for Tim Walz to sing “Single Ladies” at rallies: Totally worth it.
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$500,000 on punching bags for Doug Emhoff: Ouch.
Well, it all adds up. Money well spent.
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