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With the final push to the election underway, former President Trump has taken a slight lead in the polls — but his fundraising trails Vice President Harris by $600 million. Yikes! To close the gap, Trump unveiled nine brilliant, foolproof fundraising ideas guaranteed to level the field:
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Finally respond to that Nigerian prince’s email: Apparently, he’s been exiled, but he’s willing to pay handsomely for help.
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Let people touch J.D. Vance’s beard for $100: Never underestimate the draw of a good beard.
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Host a 5k where you dress in buffalo horns and run through the Capitol: We’re sure everyone will be cool with this.
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Travel back to 1980 and buy a bunch of Apple stock: So simple!
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Open a whale psychiatry practice: The only one like it in the whole world.
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Sponsor Doug Emhoff in the Power Slap League: Word has it he’s a knockout artist.
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Hold a nationwide car wash: Trump will put on a skimpy pair of MAGA shorts, and the money will just roll in.
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Sell off California: You could probably still make a few billion off of it if you cut China a good deal.
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Just keep sending 500 billion text messages every day asking for donations: If everyone gave just $15, the election would be over!
Any one of the ideas listed above would be a sure bet to rocket Trump past Kamala in fundraising. Combine them all? Forget about it.
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