TEHRAN — A hush fell over the massive mob of Persians gathered in the streets of Tehran on Monday, as media pundit Tucker Carlson arrived to scold the protesters and restore order to the nation.
Calrson landed in the country early Monday morning, passed customs, and arrived in Azadi Square with a bullhorn to put down the protests and urge the Iranian people to return to their homes and submit to the Ayatollah’s regime.
“You call this a revolution? I call it unacceptable,” Carlson shouted ot the mob. “You’re not impressing anyone. I’ve seen better-organized tailgates at high school football games. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, just do yourselves — and the rest of the world — a huge favor and just pack it up and go back home. You’ve had your fun, you’ve posted your selfies on whatever social media may still be allowed here. Now, it’s time to disperse. Walk away. Respect order and authority. Because what you’re doing isn’t brave — it’s reckless.”
As some of the crowd attempted to ignore Carlson’s order to go home, he became more stern. “Hey, you! You, with the black hoodie, throwing the rocks at the Revolutionary Guard, I’m talking to you specifically. This is one of the oldest and proudest civilizations on earth. I’ve seen a lot of governments and studied a lot of history. The Ayatollah’s regime is the real deal. Walking through the streets demanding ‘change’ or ‘rights’ or ‘food’ isn’t going to change that. Turn your attention and aggression toward Israel. They’re the ones who deserve it.”
At publishing time, Carlson had reportedly embarked on a tour of Tehran supermarkets to determine how clean they were.
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