PHILADELPHIA — In addition to stripping transgender swimmer Lia Thomas of his titles the University of Pennsylvania has agreed to hire on Matt Walsh as the new women’s swim coach.
The conservative personality was reportedly brought on board as part of an agreement made with the Trump administration to satisfy the university’s prior violation of Title IX, a federal civil rights law which prohibits sex-based discrimination.
“I’ve always said that women should only be three things: a wife, mother, and swimmer. Men have no business swimming at all,” Walsh said as he accepted the part-time position. “I don’t even know why they’d want to. Who wants to get wet for fun? Only women. And that’s okay. Men and women are different.”
According to sources, members of the women’s swim team have expressed frustration with Walsh’s leadership, saying he has no experience in swim sports and spends most of his time lecturing them on conservative principles and picking one of them to cancel each week.
“Melissa, your butterfly stroke needs serious work, and for that reason, sadly, you are canceled,” Walsh said after a particularly grueling swim practice.
At publishing time, the team had disbanded after Walsh asked all of the swimmers to quit in order to better pursue marriage and motherhood.
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