NEW YORK, NY — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz explained that he misspoke when previously claiming he was present at the Tiananmen Square Massacre in China, clarifying he was actually at the Tiananmen Square Chinese Buffet in Omaha, Nebraska.
“Look, I’m a knucklehead,” Walz clarified on the debate stage Tuesday. “What I actually meant was that I was enjoying a succulent Chinese meal with my family at the Tiananmen Square Chinese Buffet. That food is literally to die for!”
The admitted knucklehead went on to explain that he learned a lot about the Chinese people from their food, even going so far as to say he feels great kinship with victims of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. “I know exactly how they feel,” Walz said. “I imagine what it must have felt like if they closed down the buffet and — well, I’d stand in front of a tank for that place.”
JD Vance tried vainly to argue that Walz knew exactly what he was doing, that no normal person would obfuscate a Chinese dinner with the slaughter of protestors. However, he was forced by Walz to admit he had never been to the Tiananmen Square Chinese Buffet.
“So how would you know what it’s like to live in Nebraska and eat Chinese food?” Walz said, turning the tables on him and totally winning the debate.
At publishing time, Tim Walz released a statement clarifying that the had misspoken, that there was no such place as the Tiananmen Square Chinese Buffet. “It was a Denny’s,” he wrote.
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