WASHINGTON, D.C. — A boisterous and jubilant throng gathered on the front lawn of the presidential residence today to celebrate the release of declassified files, as the White House cheerleading squad loaded copies of the Epstein Files into a t-shirt cannon and launched them out into the crowd.
Conservative social media influencers flocked to the White House this afternoon to await the highly anticipated release of documents related to Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking operation and were overjoyed to find themselves caught up in the middle of a rousing pep rally to mark the occasion.
“This is the most exciting and fun event I’ve attended since January 6!” shouted one popular online personality. “This is what we voted for — making an overly theatrical spectacle out of what should be a very serious situation. I can’t wait to get my copy of the Epstein Files signed by Pam Bondi! This is so much fun!”
Influencers rushed to don their MAGA hats and take selfies with the Epstein Files they caught from the cheerleaders’ cannons. “This is officially the most transparent administration in history!” screamed another right-wing social media pundit. “That’s why they held this event instead of just publishing it in a public forum for everyone to see for themselves. It’s such a big deal that they needed to assemble all of us really important people at the White House so we could have our pictures taken. This is what winning feels like!”
At publishing time, sources confirmed that the release of Phase 2 of the Epstein Files would be accompanied by a fireworks spectacular and a Kid Rock concert on the White House lawn.
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