RICHMOND, VA — In a blatant and callous display of colonialism, local wife Jennifer Carlin refused to return the land she stole from her husband John’s side of the bed last night.
Sources said that Jennifer first began to encroach on her husband’s territory late last night, cold-heartedly shoving him onto the very edge of the bed.
“I didn’t steal his side of the bed, I discovered it,” she explained the following morning after controversy arose over her claiming more of the bed. “I have every right to take over all that territory that he was wasting and to turn it to a productive end, like me having more room to stretch out, for instance.”
John was less enthused about the course of events than his wife was.
“I believe reparations are in order,” he said, citing the 12 inches of mattress he had lost. “Like, is this going to be a constant occurrence? The colonialism started when she annexed the majority of my blanket. I don’t know how much more she can take, to be honest. My claim to the land should at least be acknowledged.”
At publishing time, both John and Jennifer Carlin had been utterly displaced from their claims to the bed by the imperial ambitions of Molly, their four-year-old toddler, who decided that the entire bed now belonged to her alone.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
