PHILADELPHIA, PA — In an incident that overshadowed the smashing success of Donald Trump’s appearance at a local McDonald’s yesterday, a would-be assassin was reportedly found hiding in the restaurant’s PlayPlace.
The suspect, who authorities later described as being an approximately 4-foot-6 Caucasian male with red hair and prominent front teeth and wearing a wide-brimmed hat and black cape, was discovered trying to conceal himself in the McDonald’s playground area in an apparent attempt to kill the former president.
“As of yet, we’ve been unable to determine a motive,” said United States Secret Service Agent Sean Kellar. “President Trump was still back in the kitchen working the deep fryer when we received word that a suspicious individual had been seen hiding in one of the PlayPlace slides. He was kept under surveillance until he attempted to harm the president. Agents then successfully apprehended the suspect. A search of his person only revealed several hamburgers.”
The masked suspect’s name had not yet been revealed, though sources from within the Secret Service and the Philadelphia Police Department confirmed that he may have been an escaped convict. “He was wearing a black and white striped outfit like a prisoner,” one insider said. “We’ve been unable to get the suspect to say anything other than ‘robble, robble,’ Whatever that means.”
At publishing time, Agent Kellar also confirmed that Grimace would be receiving an official commendation for diving in front of President Trump in a heroic attempt to shield him from harm.
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