You know, I’m old enough to remember a kinder, gentler America, with safe suburban streets of well-kept houses where a kid could go out on his bike after school and not return until sunset around six years later after which he would just sit silently in a corner of the house staring into the middle distance and occasionally pulling the legs off a spider or a mouse or maybe his kid sister while dreaming of the day he’d be free to hunt and kill at will… or maybe that was just me.
But in any case, today’s America is so hostile and so divided, that I just wish we could find a way to build bridges of communication and even friendship between conservatives and the flaming dirtbags trying to destroy everything that good people hold dear.
It’s not that all progressives are sinister Communist authoritarian perverts looking to bring the nation to its knees by allying themselves with Islamist terrorists and illegal immigrant gangsters in order to reduce our civilization to ashes then seize power in the ensuing chaos so they can enchain us in yet another of their drab utopias where everyone is equally miserable except for the small cadre of bitter lowlifes who derive some small pleasure from imposing their own unhappiness on everyone else — well, okay it is that, but it’s also the smug look on the faces of these schmucks that just makes you want to squeeze their noses between the knuckles of your first two fingers and twist them like Moe used to do to Curly on “The Three Stooges,” except not playing around this time.
But as Christians, we have to remember that Jesus told us to love our enemies and, sure, a lot of good that did him, but still, it’s up to us to try to understand those of our fellow citizens whose deeply-held principles lead them to oppose anything that even smells remotely like common decency.
For instance, take Ilhan Omar. Here’s a woman who escaped the violence of civil war in the primitive hellhole called Somalia, an African word that means “please get me out of this primitive hellhole.” By the grace of a loving God who clearly just wasn’t paying attention that day, Omar’s family was granted asylum here in the United States, where she then rose to become a congresswoman in the corruption-riddled filth-pit of Minnesota, an Indian word that means, “Please get me out of this corruption-riddled filth-pit.”
Surely, such a woman must feel deep gratitude to a country so welcoming and generous and self-destructive.
And yet the other day, Congresswoman Omar said she was “incredibly proud” of her daughter Isra for traveling with other assorted snot-faced idiots to the Communist cesspool called Cuba, a Spanish word meaning, “Please get me out of this Communist cesspool.” The luxurious Cuban junket was intended, Omar said, to show solidarity with Cuba against the United States because the U.S. is cruelly attempting to free the Cubans from Communist cess-poolery. Omar went on to call her daughter a “brilliant young leader,” presumably referring to Isra’s arrest for demonstrating at Columbia University in support of the Iranian-funded rapist-murderers called Hamas, and also to the t-shirt Isra wore to Cuba celebrating the George Floyd-inspired burning of Minneapolis, an Indian word that means, “Please get me out of Minneapolis.”
So, in an attempt to build bridges of friendship with the congresswoman, I wrote her a polite email, saying, “Dear Communist terrorist witch-demon, shouldn’t you show more gratitude to the country that rescued you from a hellhole and elected you to Congress in a filth-pit?”
To give credit where credit is due, Congresswoman Omar did reply promptly, writing, “Your Islamophobia is not who we are as Americans. Who we are as Americans are people who allow a Somalian grifter to play us for suckers while she’s simultaneously plotting to crush us under the iron heel of Islamist Communism. That’s who we are as Americans, if by ‘we’ I mean you.”
So there it is, my friends, we really can learn to communicate with those on the other side of the political aisle. Just remember to wear a steel-tipped boot and aim for the ass.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
