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We all love a good conversion story. Those beautiful accounts of people who thought life had meaning and then realized that none of this matters and we’re all going to die and there’s nothing else after that except the long darkness. It brings a tear to the eye (which is a non-meaningful, chemical reaction biologically programmed into us through millions of years of random mutations).
The Babylon Bee’s crack squad of journalists went out into all the nations and asked converts to atheism to tell us their stories. Here are the ten most moving testimonies we heard:
Greg Hanson, 29, unemployed: “I really like sinning. God doesn’t like sinning. So I thought, ‘What if there wasn’t a God?’ Checkmate, Christians.”
Karl Linsenberger, 32, influencer: “My DoorDash driver forgot to deliver my fries. A ‘god’ who is both all-loving and all-powerful cannot exist.”
Chad Quarrel, 27, Subway sandwich artist: “One time I started punching old ladies in church and they asked me to stop. Christians are the worst.”
Kim Jong Un, 43, public servant: “How did you get in here? Guards, seize him!”
Ruby Concepción, 24, activist: “I wanted to be able to kill babies.”
Tim, unknown age & occupation: “Have you seen the Kansas City Royals play baseball? There is no God.”
Paul Johnson, 67, Warhammer 40K enthusiast: “I carefully observed the intricate design and majesty of creation and concluded it was all an accident.”
Murderin’ Steve, 29, murderer: “I wanted to murder people, and then I realized if God is real, I might get in trouble for that. So there is no God. Thanks for asking, man – it feels good to be seen. Everyone always asks, ‘Where is Murderin’ Steve; we have to catch him and prevent him from murderin’ again. No one ever asks, ‘How is Murderin’ Steve?'”
Chancel Boutrain, 35, trombonist: “When I was a kid, I asked my parents for a Playstation 2, and they got me a Sega Saturn. That was the very moment I realized there could not be a good God out there.”
Oliver Monare, 13, unemployed: “I was converted to atheism after seeing this online meme calling God a “fairy sky daddy”. Ha, memes. Six-seven!”
Wow. Incredibly moving stuff. What is your personal testimony about converting to atheism? Let us know in the comments below.
NOT SATIRE: We’ve all heard the story. The universe came from nothing; life came from the chemical soup; mind came from matter. Science has shown that belief in God is now obsolete. But what if there’s another story? A more truthful story. One based on the evidence and recent scientific discoveries that reveal the intelligent design to life.
The Story of Everything takes us on a journey into the origins of humanity and the cosmos, illuminating mankind’s most important scientific discoveries and revealing that everything has been created by a designer. The film explores whether modern discoveries in cosmology, physics, chemistry, and molecular biology point to a purely undirected evolutionary process — or to evidence of intelligent design. It engages science directly, rather than arguing from theology.
The Story of Everything opens in theaters nationwide on April 30, bringing this conversation about science, design, and ultimate meaning of life to a broad public audience. Learn more at thestoryofeverything.film.
