CHURCH, VA — Employees at a local shrimp house were reportedly traumatized following a surprise visit by President Trump who, upon arriving, vowed that a civilization would die that night.
“A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again,” Trump said, as we entered Frank’s All-You-Can-Shrimp House with his own homemade bib. “I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will.”
According to sources, Trump greeted staff cordially before being seated at a presidential booth once used by William Howard Taft. “Maybe the shrimp can start anew. Maybe something revolutionarily wonderful can happen,” Trump said as a waiter brought him a Diet Coke. “WHO KNOWS? We will find out tonight, one of the most important moments in the long and complex history of the world.”
Shortly afterward, he made his way to the buffet counter and began eating directly out of the trays.
“I love eating shrimp because it feels like I’m committing genocide against an entire race,” Trump said as he ingested 12 different kinds of shrimp. “You can’t really do that as president, but with shrimp anything goes.”
Trump later commented that shrimp genocide goes best with ketchup.
At publishing time, the restaurant announced it had run out of cocktail shrimp. “I have annihilated your entire bloodline,” Trump said, staring at the empty buffet tray.
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