NEW YORK, NY — Speaking at the UN this week, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney clarified their Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) program, explaining that by “assisted suicide” they mean “completely unsolicited murder.”
MAID had become the subject of much controversy going into the UN General Assembly, but Canadian officials faced the moment head on, taking advantage of the golden opportunity to explain their love for murder on the world stage.
“There’s been a lot of confusion about our health care program and I see now the fault is ours,” Carney said. “You see, by ‘assisted suicide’ we actually mean ‘killing whoever we feel like’, eh?”
He continued, “Sorry aboot that. We have a French Canadian working in the health services, and they muck up the words sometimes. What a hoser.”
During Carney’s passionate speech about murder, Iranian delegates clapped and cheered. Other nations, however, were embarrassed by the proclamation. “We all love unsolicited murder but you don’t just say that!” said UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham. “It’s not proper.”
At publishing time, President Trump had ordered Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent to draft up a set of “Murder Tariffs” to put in place for Canada.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn’t doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee’s Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
