ARLINGTON, TX — After video review, a soccer player has been confirmed to be a total wuss.
Midway through the first half of play between the Netherlands and Tunisia, the action was briefly stopped after a Dutch striker appeared to be acting like a little sissy. The referee for the World Cup tilt then reviewed several angles of video before verifying that the soccer player in question was a chickenhearted crybaby.
“After video review, number 13 on the Netherlands is confirmed to be a weak little mama’s boy,” announced referee Szymon Marciniak. “The original call on the field that he is a pansy, a coward, and a namby-pamby cream puff will stand. Two minutes of added time will be assessed so everyone can point and laugh at this pathetic snowflake.”
The decision was met with thunderous applause from the crowd, who delighted in watching the stadium’s massive video board repeatedly zoom in on the striker’s anguished facial expressions before cutting to a giant graphic reading “CONFIRMED WUSS.” The Netherlands bench attempted to challenge the ruling, arguing their player had, in fact, been brushed by an opponent’s sleeve. Officials rejected the appeal, explaining slow-motion footage showed the closest point of contact occurred when a butterfly briefly flew within several feet of the player.
At publishing time, play had been stopped for a juice break after several players complained that it was getting too hot and their little baby legs were tired.
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