U.S. — In a surprising new revelation that was sure to raise eyebrows across the country, a new investigation revealed that, yes, it looks like they’re still making LaCroix.
The unexpected finding shocked researchers who sought to determine if production of LaCroix had continued or if the not-quite-flavored carbonated beverage had mysteriously faded into mythical status.
“Yep, we’re still cranking it out,” confirmed Bob LaCroix, founder of LaCroix. “Though some people seem to have relegated us to the stuff of legend and folklore, I can assure all of our devoted consumers that they can still find our cans of fizzy, vaguely flavored water on store shelves all over the United States.”
Rumors had spread among LaCroix’s diehard fans and hipster church small groups that the product may have been discontinued, but its creator shot them down. “We’re still very much here, somehow,” LaCroix continued. “We’re just as surprised as everyone else. I don’t even drink the stuff myself, to be honest with you. I prefer something I can taste. But there are evidently some folks out there who still buy it. Maybe they just aren’t aware that there are other beverage options available. But yeah, we’re still making LaCroix. If we’ve stopped making LaCroix, then my name’s not Bob LaCroix. And it is.”
Investigative journalists were still hot on the trail, searching for people who purchased and/or enjoy LaCroix. “We haven’t been able to find any yet,” one reporter revealed. “They’re ethereal… ghostly… kind of like LaCroix’s flavors. Alleged flavors, that is.”
At publishing time, new rumors had surfaced among conspiracy theorists online that LaCroix never actually existed and had been a government psy-op all along.
Heartwarming!
