RALEIGH, NC — Briefly catching his breath between Twinkies, local man Brantley Nettles wondered why he felt so rotten.
Nettles had recently noticed more gastrointestinal discomfort and a lack of energy during the moments when he took a break from shoveling cream-filled sponge cakes into his pie hole.
“I just don’t feel as good as I used to,” said Nettles, spraying a can of Cool Whip directly into his gullet. “Maybe I have an electrolyte imbalance, or some kind of thyroid issue. I should probably get some labs done. Or maybe I’m low on vitamin D. I’ve been meaning to get outside more. Man… all out of Cool Whip.”
According to sources close to Nettles, the 34-year-old had spent the better part of the last six months investigating the mysterious decline in his overall well-being, exploring everything from sleep apnea to seasonal allergies. “I’m really trying to get to the bottom of this,” said Nettles, brushing powdered sugar from donuts out of his hair. “I stayed up late last night, trying to Google all my symptoms. My wife found me asleep by an empty bucket of cheese balls. That’s how worried I am.”
At press time, Nettles had scheduled an appointment with his primary care physician to discuss his symptoms, timing it so he could hit Sonic Happy Hour on the way home.
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