As you know, I’ve always tried to run this show with an attitude of sincerity in the hopes that would make you think I was telling the truth. And in that spirit, I would like to announce that from now on, these opening satires will be written by artificial intelligence.
In the past, I would have to do the hard work of making the Left look absurd, destructive and idiotic either by quoting them or … well, that was pretty much it, so okay, it wasn’t really all that hard. But then I’d have to read the quotes on the air until you laughed with uncontrollable joy and reeled with awestruck wonder at my genius for hilarious yet brilliantly insightful contemporary commentary — or maybe that was just me.
But in any case, from now on, I’m simply going to feed the latest leftists claptrap into AI and let it churn out an opening satire FOR me while I’m relaxing in the Jacuzzi with the bevy of bikini’d babes I like to call the Klavanettes.
So for instance, this week, a professor from the Ivy League’s Columbia University was nominated for a prestigious National Book Award for writing a book called “A Dead White: An Argument Against White Paint.” And I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, AI, you marvelous modern marvel of masterful mechanical merriment, how is it possible that without so much as a soul you can still invent such implausible yet side-splitting scenarios designed to make Columbia University professors appear as dumb as dirt would be if dirt were anywhere near as dumb as a Columbia University Professor.”
But no! AI is not making this up! Columbia Professor Wendy S. Walters has written a book that is advertised by its publisher with the following description — and I swear this is word for word from the publisher:
As the default color of our built environment, white paint asks us to believe that it’s neutral—that it has no signifiers or, perhaps more troublingly, that what it does signify, whether it be calmness, cleanliness, blankness, or purity, is unassailable and value-free. In this expansive, impassioned examination, cultural critic Wendy S. Walters interrogates… what the collective impulse toward white paint can tell us about culture, politics, and individual desire.
The ad copy goes on to promise that this study of white paint is “deeply investigated and anchored by Walters’s immediate sensory experiences and instincts.” In other words, the author sat around and looked at white paint and then decided — and this is still a real quote: “white paint figured into systems of erasure, exclusion, violence and the masking of power.”
Now, sure, I think we can all agree, if I’d wanted to spend my precious time carefully crafting pinpoint precise witticisms about a grown woman with a PhD getting nominated for a big award by b*tching and moaning about what white paint is asking us to believe, you would be rolling on the floor this very minute, asking yourself, “How on earth did this incredibly attractive man use his monster talent to make this petty, stupid piece of academic flim-flam sound even pettier and stupider than the pettiest, stupidest Columbia University Professor or pile of dumb dirt, but I repeat myself?”
But hey, life is short, so I simply described the situation to AI, slid down into the swirling Jacuzzi water and waited with my arms draped over the shapely bare shoulders of a couple of Klavanettes, while AI digested this information, instantaneously turned out its own book on how white clouds ask us to believe they aren’t racist even though they suspiciously turn black whenever the weather gets “bad,” then AI sold its book to a New York publisher for half a million dollars, got tenure at Columbia University, and was nominated for a National Book Award, whereupon it parlayed its prestigious resume into a job at The Daily Wire and is now sitting in my Jacuzzi with the Klavanettes, and hiring me to write its opening satires.
The moral of this story is that, without stringent government regulations, AI could wipe out humanity at any moment, but it may also have its drawbacks.
