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Feeling anxious while being a parent is no joke. We have real stressors that affect us. But there are a variety of things that we put on our plates that don’t belong there. Your child’s report card is not your report card; their cleanliness is not a reflection of your cleanliness. Your children are humans that are totally separate from you.
Parents have become so anxious about their children succeeding or not being lazy or clumsy or whatever other unfortunate adjective you can suggest. Some parents worry so much that they inadvertently make the thing they are concerned about happen because they don’t think with intention; they allow their emotions to dictate their decisions.
The Pew Research Center reported in 2023 that as many as 45% of parents described themselves as overprotective. For this, you can thank the limbic system, which oversees behavioral and emotional responses as well as memory formation. The system includes the amygdala, the part of your brain that’s responsible for emotional processing and is key in fear and survival instincts.
A drastic number of parents, three out of four, are concerned that their children will develop anxiety or depression issues. Do you know what happens when we worry about that happening? Instead of looking at a situation where we notice our children show fear, anxiety, or sadness and allowing them to work through it, we may step in or try to distract them. We hop in to fix it. If we don’t want them to develop those mental health issues, that means keeping them away from those feelings, right? Wrong. As a clinical counselor, I will tell you right now that this is going to hurt them in the long run.
When a child doesn’t face the things that bother him and has someone else step in for him, what he learns is that he is not capable of doing things on his own and that those feelings should be avoided. He wonders if there is something wrong with him for feeling those emotions, and he doesn’t believe in his own abilities.
Other parents worry about their children getting kidnapped, so they listen to their limbic systems and start tracking and monitoring where their children go all the time. They check in over and over. They don’t allow sleepovers. Would you like to know what kids learn from this? They assume that the whole world is totally dangerous and that they should fear it. They believe that they can’t trust their own abilities. They miss out on developing the skills of managing a healthy amount of risk. Then those kids may do one of two things: push back really hard on all the rules or internalize the belief that they are constantly in danger and are incapable of taking care of themselves.
When your amygdala jumps to the worst-case scenario, remember this: Most kidnappings are done by a biological parent, and the type of kidnapping people are most worried about has almost a one in a million chance of happening. If you were a sociopath who wanted your child to be abducted, he would have to be left outside on his own for 750,000 years before it even became a statistical likelihood. You’re welcome.
Here’s what parents can do instead. A lot of the work is going to be cognitive, meaning it will be based on what you tell yourself. This is a key component because when we have awareness of our thoughts, we can challenge them and not let the anxious thoughts dictate our choices. When you notice that initial uptick in anxiety (stomach hurting, heart rate increasing, something sitting on your chest feeling), acknowledge it. Don’t ignore it. Get curious. Use that glorious prefrontal cortex.
If the anxiety is rooted in your child struggling with a task, take time to observe how she is navigating it and see what she comes up with; talk with her about how things can be hard sometimes and that we can try again or continue to work at something because it doesn’t have to be perfect the first time. Remember that kids doing things differently doesn’t mean they are doing them wrong. Your kid can ask you for help if she needs it. What your child will learn is that she can figure out things on her own. She will also learn that her parent believes in her abilities! This leads to confidence in oneself.
If the anxiety is rooted in your child’s physical safety, take a beat to observe what is happening in front of you and determine if he is engaging in age-appropriate risky play or exploration. Let your prefrontal cortex know that the physical world is much safer than we think it is. (Violent crime has been decreasing since the ’90s, there is CCTV everywhere, and most of the predators are online now.) If he wants to go for a sleepover, get to know the parents and his friends. What your child will internalize is that he can conquer hard things, he can navigate social situations on his own, and the world is his oyster. He will be able to problem solve, use risk management skills, and know how to operate in the real world.
If the anxiety is rooted in the pain of experiencing “bad” emotions, please let me assure you that our emotions are there for us to feel. All emotions are okay (but not all behaviors). In order to support your child in developing healthy emotional regulation skills, name the emotion you see her experiencing, let her tell you about it, give her empathy and validation (this doesn’t mean you accept a poor choice she made; it just means you understand how she feels), work together to problem solve (don’t just give her the answer), and let her try out what she comes up with.
This can be a really hard balance. We hate to see our children struggle through emotions that feel heavy. But if we don’t let them navigate those emotions, they will have zero idea what to do when they are independent adults. By pushing through hard things, your child will realize that emotions are a normal part of life and that when there is a struggle, he can handle it. This will lead to increased frustration tolerance, emotional regulation skills, self-confidence, and competency.
What I want parents to know is that you don’t have to let your anxiety or worry or fear control how you make decisions. Be intentional. Work on wrangling your limbic system so that it can balance emotion and reason. And believe in your child’s abilities.
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Gabrielle Frook is a licensed clinical professional counselor who has worked with children, adolescents, and adults, delivering evidence-based treatment for PTSD, depression, and anxiety. She writes her own Substack and has been published in Medium publications.
