TEMPE, AZ — Local man David Hampton spent several hours today carefully deciding which fantasy football player to have score 45 points while sitting uselessly on the bench.
Hampton reportedly collates data from several fantasy football sites as part of his extensive weekly research, which has helped him to consistently select the highest-performing player on his team to ride the bench.
“Results like this don’t happen by accident. It takes a lot of work,” explained Hampton. “You have to study the matchups. You have to watch film. You have to ignore your children so that come Sunday, you can collapse in tears as you watch the guy on your bench have the game of his life.”
According to sources, Hampton’s process begins each Wednesday by scrutinizing injury reports and looking over the coming matchups. After taking notes from six different podcasts, Hampton then begins the two-day process of deciding which player will set a fantasy record while being on the bench.
“It’s not enough to bench a guy who’s going to have a career day. You also have to find the right guy to start in his place,” Hampton said. “Ideally, someone who catches one pass for six yards and spends the rest of the game standing near the coach. That’s where championships are lost.”
Hampton’s wife reportedly asked why he didn’t just play the good players, a suggestion he dismissed as revealing a fundamental misunderstanding of fantasy football.
At publishing time, Hampton had dropped a struggling running back, clearing the way for him to score four touchdowns against Hampton the following week.
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